Now that we’ve gotten to know our (hoops) competition a little better, it’s time I take my usual swing.
Well, well, well. Here we are again. Some of you have come to expect this from me, my sincerest apologies at how long this has taken to write – but what can I say, life got crazy.
For those of you who are immediately confused, I can’t blame you. A bit of context before we get into the thick of things: I have joked repeatedly that I am the personality hire of CougCenter, and as such it is my responsibility to write ridiculous things. Some of those things have been (and will continue to be) opposing schools characterized as archetypes of men I’ve encountered (or my friends have witnessed) in the wild. By wild, I of course mean: modern dating.
For some context, swiping left on a dating app generally means you’re saying “no” – whether it’s someone who has tried to match with you, or just a random profile you’ve come across swiping on your feed.
This is, and it should go without saying but you never know these days, completely satire.
I’ve brought you Washington State 2024 Football Schedule as dudes I’d swipe left on, part two of that, former Pac-12 North, and former Pac-12 South schools before they left for different pastures. And now that we’re comfortably within basketball season, I feel ready to take a stab at the faces of the West Coast Conference that we have so nobly fought against. Here we have my take on the WCC schools as Dudes I’d Swipe Left On, part one.
Let’s set the scene: you’re getting your steps in on your new under the desk walking pad you bought in an attempt to make a stab at your New Years resolution of taking better care of yourself, trying to squeeze fitness into your increasingly busy work schedule. No, this is not autobiographical, why would you even say that? dabs at sweat across brow
Your phone, currently in your pocket to count your steps (4,000 on the day so far, humble flex) starts vibrating. Is it your mom? Is it a text from your producer? Is it your actual day job?
No! It’s fictional dating app that somehow I have yet to name despite this being my fifth installment of this series – let’s call it Schooler!
It’s Schooler! The dating app used to match WSU and OSU to new opponents!
Gonzaga
Of course he pops right up. He’s got his little Patagonia quarter zip on, and his bio says “my friends call me Gonzaga, but you can call me anytime”. He’s the ultimate older brother and you can tell his particular form of torture to his inevitable younger sister was to neglect her existence entirely. This caused a crater to form between the sibling bond that they will no doubt struggle over for decades, or until one of them has two kids and realizes how pointless it all was. You don’t feel inclined to take that burden on, although his profile heavily implies that either he, or a friend of his, has a boat. You stare at the shirtless picture of him skiing in agony, trying to decide if you can stomach listening to him and his friends drone on and on about the latest AI drone technology all to get onto that boat. You figure, it’s early February now, if you get close enough, boat by May is an entirely realistic journey, but that does mean putting up with him until May. And what if the boat is awesome? What if you end up accidentally marrying this guy, having the previously mentioned two kids that also grow up hating each other? Good thing his dad is a doctor and can probably (definitely) set you up with some sort of happy pill subscription. You swipe left and shudder to yourself a little bit. You will inevitably see him out at a bar on Friday night. That bar is The Dock in Fremont. He does a dreadful rendition of You Belong With Me on karaoke and you think about the boat one more time.
Loyola Marymount University
This profile reminds you of if someone were to put peanut butter on one of those Club crackers (the ones in the green box). It’s a very traditional, not boring per se because it’s clear some thought went into it, but not interesting profile. When asked, LMU would say his favorite vacation he’s ever been on was Italy. He does not elaborate. His profile contains like 7 typed words total, one of the prompts asks what he does for fun, and he says “stuff”. He has a nice smile, and really big ears which you find charming. You think that he’d be the lesser of all the seemingly wealthy Southern California schools, and he works at a non-profit which is cool. Suddenly you get a vision, a glimpse into the future, of you two sitting silently at dinner. Sitting silently on a park bench. Sitting silently at a basketball game. Standing silently at the alter. Laying side by side, silently, at each others death beds. You have not spoken a word in 30 years, and you are a yapper so this is really hard for you. You swipe left.
Pepperdine University
This one catches your eye because you watched the Nickelodeon series Zoey 101 a lot as a kid, and that alone would warrant a right swipe. He has some pretty standard photos, at a baseball game, at the beach, surfing. He has enough information about him in his profile for a quick google and boy howdy, you strike gold. As it turns out, he got busted for being part of a ring of con artists who would go to elderly care facilities and cozy up to older lonely women, and smuggle their families out of precious jewels. His testimony brought down the entire ring! There’s even a New York Post article about it! You find his social media and his entire page is about how reformed he is, and his involvement in the Mega Church that has lasers during the service. He still has a Porsche that one of the old women gave him! He named it after her!! He captioned the picture “Eunice, this one is for you. I’ll always remember you when I’m cruising down the PCH #prayersup”. You drop your phone and cover your mouth in shock. You then immediately pick it up and screenshot all of it, everything you found, and send it to your group chat called ‘girliesss’ with a flower emoji and the champagne glasses cheers-ing emoji. You then open Spotify, copy the link to Criminal by Britney Spears (another Zoey 101 nod) and send it. You hastily type “just kiddinggg” and then go back to Schooler, and swipe left. Mama, you’re not in love with a criminal.
University of Portland
This is the profile of the one straight guy in the high school theatre department who went and majored in Political Science. He’s a chef now at a dive bar and he specializes in cheesy fries. He’s multifaceted, one photo has him shaking hands with your local senator, the next is a video of him at the skate park. Another has him building a snowman with his niece, and another is him at a rave. You cannot put your finger on this guy at all. He left a comment on one of your pictures “I really like ur vibe” and you find yourself … blushing? He likes… your vibe? You keep scrolling and you start to get really overwhelmed, by his vibe, and this is the most amount of times in your life you have consecutively thought about the word vibe. Vibe. Vi-be. Vibe. ‘Oh god,’ you think to yourself, ‘this needs to end.’ You look at the time, and it’s about the end of the workday. You have wasted away on this app for 8 hours. The only upside is you’re at like 25,000 steps now, but you haven’t seen the sun. You decide to take a walk outside, but before you do you’re determined to reach the end of his profile if it kills you. His Spotify is linked. It’s all house music because of course. You swipe left, close the app, consider deleting your account all together, but decide against it for now. After all, how would you spend tomorrow if you did?
Part 2 next week! Go Cougs!!