Round two, electric boogaloo!
Good evening, Coug fans!
Recently I brought you the 2024 Washington State football opponents ad Dudes I’d Swipe Left On: part one, and today we’re back with the second installment. Part one is here if you’d like to give it a glance.
Once again, this is a JOKE! Don’t be mad at me! Or do, it’s up to you.
Picture this: it’s a Monday, you’re at lunch, the workday is slugging away. You’re slightly overstimulated, potentially a little hungover from a Sunday Funday that spiraled quickly out of control, and the thought of wrapping up the massive project you’ve been working on for weeks is making you want to curl up into a tiny ball under your desk. How do you cope? By swiping on a dating app of course! But uh oh, instead of seeing the usual pool of emotionally unavailable men who “don’t know what they’re looking for” and think “the world would be a better place with more dogs” you’ve found the second half of the WSU 2024 football opponents.
Hawaii
Immediately this guy catches your eye. He’s fun, he’s wild, he’s doing some crazy outdoor activity in every picture on the profile. His bio says “live in the moment, never say no”. You can tell he’s a free spirit. You are actually a little intimidated by him! You have two main motivators for rejecting him- first because you figure there’s no way you two would match, so better to reject him before he rejects you. But you also don’t think you could keep up with him. He needs someone who is down to grab a standby flight, backpack through a foreign country, and live in a van and cruise around, never knowing what state you’ll end up in that night. He’d randomly drop off the grid for weeks and then regale you with tales of cliff jumping or getting kicked out of bars in Europe at 4:30 in the morning, and you’re getting sleepy just listening to it. Everyone could use a dose of this guy in their life, but you think he’d be a better fit as a friend you see once every three years, and who always has a new scar to show you.
San Diego State
This guy works in a swanky law firm that deals with celebrity clients, and you’d expect him to have all these juicy stories about famous people because he outright says he has all these juicy stories about famous people, but really he just deals with the people suing celebrities for traffic violations, and the assistants of said celebs. His job is not half as glamorous as he makes it seem, nor is his life. He’s a little too old to still be doing certain drugs in bar bathrooms on boys night, but that doesn’t stop him! He read Jordan Belfort’s book and has it highlighted, with post it notes, sitting on his nightstand. He said if you truly want to understand him, you’d let him hook up with his ex every once in a while to “keep things fresh”. This guy makes you feel completely insane. He seems so laid back! He picks up the tab whenever he comes out with you and your friends! One day he has flowers, the next day he’s telling you you’re the reason his hairline is receding. When you tell your friends that you’ve finally had enough, they offer, genuinely, to egg his car. Not in a casual “ha ha, let’s egg his car” way – they brought four cartons of eggs to your apartment with the intention of actually going and egging his car. You convince them to settle for a baking night, but the entire time you’re wondering if you should have just egged the car.
Utah State
He’s got a very loose Mormon vibe going on, obviously, but that isn’t what puts you off. His eyes are completely devoid of any thought in every photo. They look lifeless. You couldn’t figure that out at first, so you sent the profile around to all your friends, and your one friend who hardly ever chimes in on anything because they’re so busy just sends “Serial Killer vibes” and then goes silent again, and that’s when it hits you. He has nothing listed about himself, he just has “Man” in his information section, and it’s just looking one step eerier than your usual “lights on, no one is home” energy. He doesn’t seem like he’d kill you, which is exciting and rare, but he does seem like he talks in monotone on purpose. It feels like he’d roll his eyes when you bend down to say hello to a dog, or if the sun is extremely bright one day. Not quite vampire level, but there’s a degree of annoyance that anyone who has suffered from seasonal depression would never feel towards warm weather, and you’re in the Pacific Northwest after all. You swipe left, and shake it off.
University of New Mexico
This guy is really into wolves. And for you to know that just by glancing at his dating profile makes you cringe a little. You want to go into it open minded, and a lot of guys have had “Lone wolf.” as their bio – but the further you scroll, the more you see that there is not a single photo of this guy without wolf paraphernalia. A wolf shirt, a wolf hat, posed with a taxidermy wolf, photo captioned “as seen on my moms fridge” – his Spotify artists are ‘Sounds of nature’ and ‘Twilight: New Moon audiobook’, which you’d almost respect if you weren’t team Edward. You really don’t want to be one of those people who Yucks someones Yum, but this is an obsession that you just can’t see yourself getting down with. Plus, you’re really more of a Cougar person yourself.
Oregon State
So, I already did a profile for the Beavs in 2022, but things have changed between us since then, haven’t they? Oregon State updated their profile, big time, and oh boy does it take you off guard.
This is basically the equivalent of your best childhood friend who you never really paid any mind to, and was always kind of just in the background- maybe they hadn’t hit their “glow-up” yet, but they were so sweet and funny, and you tried to ignore the little crush that they had on you because you just loved being their friend…
Bad news, they grew up. Your jaw hits the FLOOR- no way that this is Oregon State?! How had you never seen him like this before?! Were you just selfish and blind and superficial? Had the potential always been there? You’ll never know. You’re too nervous- you saw that Ryan Reynolds movie Just Friends (WITH Oregon State, mind you) and thought “How could someone be so blind?!” Jokes on you!
You swipe left though. It says “you missed a potential match!” – You cry yourself to sleep. There’s always the next high school reunion, maybe you’ll both have one too many Long Island Iced Teas and see what happens.
Wyoming
Just when you recovered from the missed connection of a lifetime and that weird wolf guy, Mr. Cowboy pops up on your page. He has a really sad video of him trying to lasso a garbage can, and while you’re sure that is an incredibly difficult task, you aren’t sure why he put a video of his failure to do so on the internet in a totally un-ironic way. That video is also the only thing attached to his page beyond a photo of Woody and Bo Peep from Toy Story captioned “this could be us”. Again, you feel cruel for judging someone based on their interests, but there just isn’t anything to go on with this! You figure it might be fun to try line dancing, but you’d rather do that on a Girls Night where you can all agonize over the ill-fitting cowboy boots you bought last minute, not with a guy who is a self proclaimed regular at “a local rodeo near you!”
You decide it’s best to just be single for a while. After all, there’s always next season!