Oh yeah, bringing this back.
Good afternoon, Coug fans!
I know it’s a little early to be thinking about football, but the Washington State Crimson and Gray game is rapidly approaching, which has me thinking about next season already. As we know, WSU announced their 2024 schedule and we have some new faces to go up against. So, to mark the occasion, I figured I’d bring back a series similar to something I did in the past (Pac-12 North and Pac-12 South schools as Dudes I’d Swipe Left On) rather than giving you any actual analysis!
WSU future football opponents as Dudes I’d Swipe Left On: part one, loading! Left means no, for the record.
Obligatory preface that this is a joke! Very big jokes! I don’t mean to offend.
Let’s set the scene. It’s a Thursday night, you’ve done your skincare, homemade margarita in hand, current TV show you’re watching is on but it’s really more background noise than anything else, because you’re swiping away. But instead of seeing finance bros in black rimmed glasses and Northface windbreakers who all work at Amazon, you see the first half of the upcoming 2024 WSU football schedule.
Portland State
This guy peaked in high school, but not in a way you’d expect. He wasn’t the class clown, star jock, or ASB President. He just knew he had it good, and intended to ride the wave as long as he could. A bit of a slacker, just kind of good at getting away with doing the bare minimum. There’s nothing wrong with this guy, but you know you’d be signing up for a life of pulling teeth to get him to do stuff. “Can you take the trash out? I’ve asked you six times now, I’m not your mother.” “Then stop acting like it! I told you I’d get to it when I get to it!” All your friends like him enough, he’s not a bad guy, he’s just kind of a bum. It’s as if he is devoid entirely of any motivation. He’s got good style though! He dresses like an Oxford professor on holiday, although you aren’t sure if he could tell you where Oxford is. In fact, he would probably accuse you of asking him a trick question, and ask why he should care about some college in London. You don’t have the heart to correct him, you’re just kind of tired.
Texas Tech
Flat out no way around it, this dude punches walls. You know when you see a picture of a guy and you can just tell he punches walls? This guy punches walls. He has a jungle juice recipe saved on Pinterest, his high school ex made him download that app and create an account so they could save wedding ideas, but she broke up with him after they went to different colleges and she fell in love with her English 200 TA. It happens. His top three Spotify artists are somehow all Morgan Wallen, which you didn’t think was possible, and he claims to know a lot about whiskey but definitely does not. He has his high school mascot tattooed on his left buttcheek, and he shows it to people when he drinks too much, which happens every Friday at the same bar he and his friends always go to. He turns bright pink when he drinks too, but it kind of makes him look jolly- like Santa Claus, and you find it endearing. You might meet him out in real life and he’d be fun, but you can tell there’s something brewing under the surface and you aren’t eager to find out what it is.
University of Washington
I actually already did a bio for UW during the first installment of this series, but after living in Seattle for almost ten months now (holy crap) my insights have changed.
This guy is if the condescending phrase “well, actually” magically came to life. He loves to say he loves traveling, loves to say he loves libraries, and loves to say he doesn’t love supplementing his caffeine intake with Adderall (unprescribed). His major is either Foreign Affairs, or something that will mainline him directly into a software job (Computer Science, maybe?) and you expect him to be outright mean about the fact that he definitely makes more money than you, but he isn’t! He’s really subtle about it! And when you get home from the date that you went on against your better judgement, you feel like you’ve just spent two hours with that one relative that no one really wants to invite to the family functions because they constantly backhand everyone and always drink too much red wine. Speaking of wine, this guy considers himself a Sommelier, and when you’re out at the hole in the wall Italian place that he found that no one else knows about (it’s packed), he does the thing where he practically inhales the sip of wine through his nose, makes the worst face you’ve ever seen, and you get the ick immediately.
San Jose State University
He drinks a Taco Bell Baja Blast every single day. It’s what he has instead of a morning coffee. He’s cute in a scruffy way, almost like a lost puppy, so you scroll through the whole profile. He doesn’t lie about his height, which gets him points, but he looks at least half baked if not fully cooked in every picture, if you catch my drift. He’s studying Psychology right now, and he’s the type to tell you that he’ll graduate in May, but he’ll be in the school of life forever. You don’t know what that means. This guy doesn’t have any outright red flags, and while there’s a lid to every pot, you’re pretty sure you guys are two different kinds of pots. And that’s okay.
Boise State
This guy reminds you of a watered down Texas Tech. They’d get along really well, until Boise State realizes that Texas Tech guy is just kind of talking out of his…
Boise State has a few more buttons done up, and would be a better pick to meet your parents, but not by much. He has some redeemable qualities, of course- he’s got a great sense of humor and is always down to go camping or hiking. But everything is just so much with him. If the two of you were to disagree about something, he wouldn’t let it go. You’d be several months down the line, fighting about the dinner you’ll cook that night, and he’d be like “This is just like that time when we fought about which exit to take all over again” and you’d think ‘how does he just remember stuff like that?!’ He works in hospital administration or something, so he hates his coworkers and they hate him. Really it’s just because they all hate their jobs, and you’d tell him again and again that it’s okay to leave and do something else, and he’d say that you just don’t like to stick it out when things get tough. This relationship would age you 3 years, despite it only lasting like seven months. But if the stars lined up, he left his job and discovered CBD drinks, and you were still single, you’d consider it.
Fresno State
This guy possesses the same qualities that make the color beige new and exciting. He is on this dating app against his will- it might even be run by his sister! He’s like the family friends son who is close to your age, and you’ve heard him say maybe 16 words total despite knowing him your entire life. When your friends ask if he’s cute and single, and why haven’t you two ever… you know… You tell them about the time he recited the entire Periodic Table for his talent show as a junior in high school, because participation was mandatory for his drama elective he took to fill a graduation requirement. He doesn’t even like science. He doesn’t really like anything! Including you. He takes you on the shortest most painful coffee date of your life, and afterwards he shakes your hand and goes “so there that was. Have a nice life!” You leave every interaction you have with him slightly confused, and he actually ends up ghosting you- which your friends are BAFFLED by. This whole situation ends up being a pretty sizable hit to the ego, and prompts you to take a break from the apps for about a month. The entire girls group chat is scratching their heads, someone made a meme of his head cropped on a garbage can, and he morphs into one of those side characters that becomes an inside joke for years to come, that you laugh about but also brings you a little bit of shame. It’s not your fault, it’s Fresnos.
Well, that’s all for now! Check back next week for the second half of the schedule. Let me know if I nailed it, or if I was totally off base. Go Cougs!