Go team.
This one is late again. Sue me.
Unless you haven’t been paying attention, you knew this was coming. For several weeks now, WSU – despite having vastly superior talent – has f***ed around, and somehow escaped time after time, leading doofuses everywhere to infer that this was sustainable. Well, those of us who know better knew it wasn’t, and well, here we are. On Saturday night in Albuquerque, WSU found out. I’ve been wondering for a while now whether WSU is a good bad team or a bad good team (h/t Bill Simmons). I’m settling on an average-to-bad team (so long as it is playing other bad teams because if WSU ever plays a good team, it’s gonna be a murder scene). Average offense, bad defense, bad special teams.
Unfortunately for this average/bad team, its luck ran out, as New Mexico decided to stop killing itself in the second half. Once that happened, WSU’s garbage defense had no chance. And when WSU’s average offense got the ball, well, it scored all of seven points against a New Mexico defense that was playing a bunch of backups and slapdicks. This is a team that gave up 49 points to Wyoming two weeks ago. Wyoming! It also gave up 40 to New Mexico State, 37 to Air Force, 38 to Fresno, 45 to Auburn, 61 to Arizona, and LOST TO AN FCS TEAM. The combined record of those FBS schools that scored more against New Mexico than WSU’s crappy team is 20-35.
I’m not as mad as I was early Sunday morning after WSU choked away what should have been an easy win at New Mexico. I was pretty upset then, but now, with some time to reflect, somehow I’m even more pissed off. Why? Because our head coach is a buffoon. More to follow.
Warning: Takes below, and they are pipin’ hot!
The Good
- Those New Mexico helmets were eleventy billion times better than the ones it normally wears.
- Mateer was great in the first half. In the first half.
- Kyle Williams is always great.
- Carlos Hernandez was also really good.
- The best part of “Good” is the fact that nobody outside WSU’s fans and New Mexico’s fan cared enough to watch the game. There’s a lot to be said about WSU’s perpetual anonymity.
That’s it. That’s the list.
The Bad
- I love how coaches and players everywhere want to flex after pulling off a lucky win, like WSU has done so many times this year, then shouting YOU WIN GAMES IN THE FOURTH QUARTER! Well guess what – you sure as hell can LOSE GAMES IN THE THIRD QUARTER! Maybe you should all shout that going forward.
- I guess Fox still wants to pretend that the announcing crew is at the game, and not an L.A. studio. Ok then.
- I was all set to call out the litany of stupid plays, but I don’t feel like rehashing it. So I won’t write about Ansel Din-Mbuh’s idiotic offsides flag when New Mexico was clearly not going to snap the ball on 4th-and-1, resuscitating a possession that ended in a touchdown. I won’t bring up #80’s stupid decision to crowd a UNM punt returner, senselessly costing WSU 15 yards. I will not bring up the stupid Jamorri Colson decision to hold a defender 10 yards from a punt returner, which cost WSU 60 yards of field position. I will withhold comment on our dumbass offensive coordinator’s play calls, such as the time WSU ran for 12 yards on the first play of the second half, then threw THREE STRAIGHT PASSES, all of them incomplete. I won’t write a word about WSU’s trash defense getting absolutely shredded by a quarterback who can’t throw. A quarterback! WHO CAN’T THROW! AND STILL, WSU HAD NO CHANCE! You know what happens when that QB does throw? He throws an interception more often than a touchdown pass. Well, except against WSU!
- Hey, Petros? I love your style. I know you love the old Pac-10/12. That’s why I figured you wouldn’t be calling us University of Washington State by now. I was wrong.
- In the second quarter, WSU held a 21-7 lead and had 1st-and-10 at midfield. Like two minutes later, the score was 21-14. Go team.
- Let’s not review the pretty clear New Mexico wide receiver fumble, refs. While we’re at it, let’s not even bat an eye when Hutson gets a helmet to the face. Why do that? But you know what you definitely should do? Ignore New Mexico’s blatant holds while flagging WSU for not holding. Definitely do that.
- Wtf is the point of bringing up Mateer’s possible transfer/NIL payment during the game? And why would anyone consider Paul Sorensen to be anything but the opposite of a reliable source? The good news is that, after watching the second half, the offers probably went down significantly.
- New Mexico had been 0-26 against ranked teams in the last 20+ years. Zero and twenty six. One more round of applause for your 2024 Cougs!
The Ugly
- Jake Dickert, come on down. Jake, you are paid nearly $3 per year to do a lot of things. It certainly is not an easy job, but it’s certainly one that’s well-compensated. At the top of the list of things you’re supposed to do in order to earn that generous salary is win football games. That’s why I struggle to comprehend why, when the university has invested so much faith and assets into your team and your bank account,
I am completely baffled as to why you would outsource game-altering decisions to a f***ing spreadsheet that someone not associated with the program develops. What’s more, your school pays that company to feed you that trash! Just as baffling is why you would admit that you outsource some nerd’s spreadsheet when the game is on the line! It’s one thing to misplace your trust, but quite another to let the masses know how situationally ignorant you really are.
This is why I’m upset about what took place late Saturday (or early Sunday if you were in Brazil and oh by the way you were only going to get four hours of sleep because Sunday was the reason you were there).
I’ve watched a lot of football. A LOT of football. I assume many of you have as well. Anyone who has watched roughly 10 minutes of football knew that when UNM got across the 50, it was headed to the end zone and a lead. During the sequence, WSU had three timeouts in the bank. A couple minutes later, when UNM took the lead with 21 seconds left, WSU still had two of those timeouts. So instead of getting the ball with nearly a minute-and-a-half remaining, needing three points to tie, WSU had 21 seconds, because the head coach decided to rely on a binder INSTEAD OF HIS EYES.
While everyone with half a brain cell was screaming at his or her TV for WSU to call timeout and preserve a chance to tie or win, Jack Dickert was like “nah, the nerds tell me to let the clock melt away so that’s what I’m gonna do.” Those of us with the aforementioned fraction of a brain cell and a pair of eyes knew that WSU’s best chance at a win was maximizing the amount of time the offense would have with the ball, because the trash defense stood zero chance against the Mountain West’s sixth-best team. And yet- AND YET! – Dickert let the clock melt away, and after WSU inevitably allowed the go-ahead score, it was left with a measly 21 seconds. Ballgame.
Jake, you seem like a good guy. But instead of those meaningless pregame speeches where you hold dirt in your hand (you called it sand but it was clearly dirt), maybe you should spend a little time re-thinking your tactics and strategy. But what do I know? I’m just some schlub on the couch who doesn’t let a spreadsheet make my decisions.
This Week in Parenting
I was in Brazil until early Monday, so I wasn’t home to witness the oldest take his driver’s test, which Mrs. Kendall told me was laughably simple. So now Team Kendall’s household has three licensed drivers, and Mr. Kendall’s bank account is taking some withering fire as a result of the updated auto insurance premium. Like for real, it’s insane! So much so that I’m thinking of starting a GoFundMe to cover the cost. On the other hand, I have my own ride share, and I guarantee you the driver will never decline a pickup request.
Mrs. Kendall informed me that his first request was to take younger brother out for ice cream. There is a 0% chance that he wanted to do this in order to spend quality time with the youngest, but it was a kind gesture nonetheless (I’m pretty sure he did not pay for said ice cream, but still).
The oldest is also competing to take part in a youth overseas language immersion program next summer. As part of the application process, I got this call: “Dad, I need to list every country I’ve ever visited.” I assume most kids had a list of 3-5 countries. Mine had 26. Well guess who had to take care of that for him! Fun times! He informed me that he wants to study Russian, and if selected, his countries of choice in which to learn the language are Poland, Georgia or Kazakhstan. Maybe he’ll get to meet Borat.
I got back home from down south on Monday evening, and took up a seat on the couch with the 13 year-old to watch some Monday Night Football. As we took in the ManningCast, he farted and leaned forward to smell it. I immediately called this out, and he was unapologetic. This is my life.
Before that, and while I was still away, the mighty Argos took part in the flag football playoffs. They were one of four teams in the final tournament, and I think they were the fourth seed. As usual, I was relying on Mrs. Kendall for updates, which is in and of itself an adventure. The game was back and forth, and this series of texts arrived.
So to recap, the Argos lost. Then the Argos had the ball. Then the Argos won.
That meant a trip to the finals right afterward, and once again we went down to the wire, but unfortunately the Argos came up a bit short, and the kiddo got 2nd place in the league for the second year in a row. With that, fall sports came to an end, and now we’re onto wrestling (oldest) and spring baseball tryouts for the youngest. Yes, I said spring baseball tryouts. In November. For 7th-graders. God help us all.
On the social front, the youngest had been leaning on me to let him get Instagram for several months, and I always denied the request. I finally got tired of him asking and relented a couple months back, creating his account for him. He is not allowed to post, and is limited to 15 minutes per day. The other day I was bored, so I decided to take a gander at his profile. For reasons I can’t comprehend, he has 37 followers despite never posting anything, though I’m pretty sure 31 of them aren’t actual people
The “Following” section is quite the hodgepodge. There’s family and friends, which comprise maybe 5%. Then we’ve got the sports stars such as Shadeur Sanders, Jayden Daniels, Ryan Williams, Victor Wembenyama, Julio Rodriguez etc. Moving down, there are some Texas Longhorns women’s soccer players (we are family friends of a UT player), and three Texas Football accounts. That Sugar Bowl really left a mark! He also follows WSU football – no, I don’t know why – and a litany of apparently famous people I’ve never heard of. He also follows Alabama football, so his account will be removed shortly after I publish this. We parents all have our red lines.
Tales From the Road
The last two weeks represented the first time I’d ever been to South America, which was why I jumped at the chance to go, even though the location was, uh, let’s just say not exactly a garden spot. Despite that, we tried to be somewhat adventurous, taking a tour up the Rio Negro to a native village and walking around the forest with a bare-footed tour guide who we were told to call Philip. It was here we were told the difference between “native” and “indigenous.” There was also a kid in the village who had a Tow Mater helium balloon. And this was not a place close to civilization! Pop culture will always be the USA’s greatest export.
There was also an experience for me during dinner, when we were dining outside near the town square. More than one person approached our table, pointing and speaking not-English. We finally figured out that one lady was asking to eat the leftover steak on my friend’s plate. I’ve been a place or two, and that was a first! I guess that’s standard practice in this city, and I’m totally fine with hungry folks getting a bite to eat instead of dinner going into the trash, but I feel like it would be cool if they did so after we paid the tab? Maybe it’s just me.
The trip home also had its quirks, such as the guy on the flight to Bogota who put his carry-on bag in the overhead bin, and then…took a picture of it? Why? What? Then in Houston, it sucked. And not just because it was Houston. A storm blew through as we were getting ready to depart, then it became a mad scramble.
Lovely.
I don’t know who was more unpredictable, Mother Nature, the pilots or air traffic control. After about an hour on the taxiway, where it felt like 10,000 planes cut in front of ours, the pilot said, “We’re number four for takeoff.” I then watched five airplanes take off while we barely moved. A bit later, the pilot said, “we’re number three in line,” shortly before I watched four more planes take off. After we finally got off the ground and turned back toward the east, I counted at least 26 planes waiting on the taxiway. Yikes. Thankfully, United Airlines is appreciative of everyone’s patience.
We’d have departed sooner, but it turns out Jake Dickert called the tower and used his remaining timeouts before we were cleared for takeoff.