Yippee
This week is the American holiday known as Thanksgiving, in case you weren’t aware. Many of us, Team Kendall included, are on the road to visit family, which often brings up one of the most poisonous traits of the human mind – nostalgia.
Wait, why is nostalgia poisonous?
Well, my friends, nostalgia almost always brings to mind past events in our lives as we want to remember them, and almost never as they actually were. Pretty much everyone suffers from this, with the Baby Boomer generation leading the charge by a Secretariat-like gap.
Hey doofus, what the hell does any of this have to do with Cougar Football??!!
What, you want to read about that trash fire known as the football team? Well, you asked for it. In many parts of the country, even with the planet heating up, the weather is cool-to-cold, necessitating us to don sweaters. We often look for the sweaters we find cozy and comfortable, reminding us of other times we put on that sweater and settled in to a pleasant activity. But you know what can often accompany that sweater as it leaves the back of the closet? Nostalgia.
Um, excuse me? You’re still not talking about our awful football team.
Ok fine. Washington State Football, 2024, welcome back. For a few weeks there, you were able to pull off one hell of a scam by pretending you weren’t a bad team that had benefitted from some great fortune, mostly in the form of a series of terrible opponents. Now, in your Cindy Lauper-like resurrection, we see your true colors shining through. Somehow, some way, you figured out how to lose two straight games to inferior teams, both times as a double-digit favorite, both times with a significant talent advantage. Now that you are what many of us longtime observers thought you were, I’d like to welcome you back to where you always belonged this season, and most others – Irrelevance Village. No need for anyone to care. None of those pesky distractions like rankings or CFP discussions. That’s for the Boise States and Tulanes of the world. For you, irrelevance fits just as well and comfortably as that old sweater that’s been buried on the back shelf since March.
So down the road, Cougar fan, when you don that old sweater, pour a cup of hot chocolate mixed with Fireball and recall the 2024 Washington State Cougars, remember them for who they were – an ok squad with an awful defense that made a few big plays and lucked out with a schedule that included some fortunate timing and really bad opponents. Do not let nostalgia take hold and convince you that the Cougs were something they were not – an actually, ya know, good team.
The Good
- Yup, I got nothing. Losing to garbage teams tends to overwrite any impression of goodness happening during the game.
The Bad
- When even your best player is committing game-losing turnovers, you know things have careened off a cliff. Kyle, buddy, you’ve made so many great plays this year, but that inexcusable fumble turned a likely win into a loss. Please stop doing that.
- There are dozens of stupid tropes that announcers like to use in absence of actual analysis. One of those is the “great week of practice” nonsense, which Ryan Leaf trotted out when talking about the WSU defense as it got shredded by another slapdick quarterback.
Here’s a tip that will make all of you richer – If any announcer ever talks about a team having a “great week of practice,” get online and hammer the opponent on the live line, no matter the spread.
- Another stupid thing announcers say is “mano y mano,” which Leaf also stumbled through. First of all, Ryan, it’s “mano a mano,” which translates literally to “hand in hand.” People like Leaf clearly think it’s some derivation of “man to man,” which it definitely is not.
- I had a teacher in high school who, when describing something he really disliked, would say it “sucks sewer water.” Tanner Moku and Jackson Lataimua, old Mr. Labelle would definitely use that term if he saw y’all play. But hey, at least you’re good at talking trash after making one non-terrible play, so there’s that.
- I don’t know if they do this anymore, but when I was a kid, companies would affix photos of missing children to milk cartons, in an attempt to raise awareness throughout the country. If that were still a thing, Nusi Malani’s face would be front and center.
- Pretty cool of the refs to completely ignore obvious holding on OSU, obvious PI on Hutson, and obvious illegal touching in the fourth quarter when a pass hit an OSU lineman in the helmet without being tipped, and without the quarterback’s arm being hit. Apparently this genius crew thought it had reached its “illegal touching” quota of one, and was prevented from calling it anymore. No big deal, though, as it would have only been a loss of down and a five-yard penalty at a crucial juncture. Just ignore all of it.
The Ugly
- What happens more often, WSU converting 3rd-and-short or an asteroid hitting our planet and exterminating all life? I’ll answer for you – it’s a tie.
- The defense, but you already knew that. Coaches, players, schemes, tackling, all of it. Just a monumental embarrassment. Burn it all down and start anew.
One more thing – I am not even .0001% kidding when I say I want this team to skip its bowl game after the regular season ends. The sweater of irrelevance will fit a lot better if this trash team isn’t exposed on national television when it plays a team that has actual power conference talent. That will require an NC-17 rating to watch.
This Week in Parenting
I mentioned last week that we have a third driver’s license possessor in the house, which may necessitate yours truly taking out the ol’ HELOC in order to cover the insurance premiums. Well this week, a third automobile also appeared in the driveway. Now, I can’t be certain, but early indications are that Mrs. Kendal went a tad overboard with the magnet stickers.
The funny part is that, due to the red tape that accompanies purchasing a used car from a private party, we have to wait like 5-10 business days for all of the processing before we can license and insure it, so he gets to stare at it just sitting there, calling his name. But again, a few extra days without insurance will probably save me like nine grand.
I picked him up from wrestling practice the other day, and he was deeply involved in whatever was on his phone screen. Shocking, I know. The content was what surprised me.
“Dad, did you know that there are six outstanding recalls on the new car?!” No, but I’m pretty sure the previous owner had them addressed. “Well, these look pretty serious.” Did you enter our VIN into the website? That’s how they track recalls. “Ok, it says there’s only one recall left on our car, and it’s because there are no parts available.” Tried to tell you.
Yes, this is my teenager, looking at recalls on his new car before even starting the engine.
When I was a kid, Thanksgiving break consisted of a three-day week, followed by a four-day weekend. But not in the free(ish but not really) state of Florida, where the kids are off for the entire week. We’d been planning around this for a while, as I assume most families have, but that didn’t stop school officials from calling me and emailing me with a reminder that school was out for the entire week. My assumption is that they do this because they got some negative feedback in the past from shitbag parents who don’t pay enough attention. Either way, it’s annoying.
Before the Turkey Day break, the oldest went on a Junior ROTC-sponsored bus trip to visit a couple schools in Alabama. He seemed to really like that school in Tuscaloosa, which immediately puts him at odds with Mrs. Kendall who is still all in on Auburn. Maybe they can settle it on this year’s Iron Bowl.
One byproduct of the younger kid getting into the NCAA 25 game, and college football in general, has been increasing his knowledge base regarding school mascots. The other night, he challenged us to show him any logo and he’d be able to name the school. I lobbed what I thought was a challenging opener in Wyoming, but he nailed it, so I had to bring some heat with the FIU Panther logo. Got him. Older brother then began a rapid-fire challenge, mostly of MAC and Sun Belt schools, and yours truly quickly re-affirmed the pecking order of dominance in the Kendall house. You come at the king of useless mascot trivia, you best not miss, son.
To tie the college football and school-visiting high schooler theme together, we were watching the Florida-Ole Miss game last weekend when the youngest said, “Dad, you should take him to visit Ole Miss.” That’s because you want to go see a game there, right? “Yeah.” I certainly appreciate the transparency of the agenda.
Oh, and he also told his grandparents that he’s going to attend college at the University of Texas. Is there a limit to the number of GoFundMe accounts a guy can open? Asking for a friend who is also me.